12 min read
I did something recently that I told myself I would never do again…and, pretty much right away regretted it.
I GOOGLED A HEALTH QUESTION.
I kindly asked Google “why am I so tired?”
…just out of curiosity, thinking that it might possibly teach me something I didn’t already know. I mean my birthday WAS just last month AND…I was exceptionally tired.
I also did just turn 50 and…on one hand, in theory, I am at an age where I should just “accept” being tired right? …AND in this borderline “elder” status I really should already know a lot…possibly more than Google does, about the topic, of tiredness (wink wink)…right?
Right…
On the other hand, as I said…I WAS JUST TIRED. And, I felt I needed answers.
What I wasn’t prepared for was having all of the possibilities of why I was tired thrown at me all at once…in one giant comprehensive list lovingly titled, “How Tired is Too Tired?”
(thank you so much WebMD).
Wheeeeeeee…
For the most part, I am not that person who gets sucked into the “woe is me I am getting old and life sucks” rabbit hole but, I am only human and sometimes the beckoning darkness is inescapable. Like the particular Monday of recent that I felt this way…five days after my actual BIRTH DAY…when the exhaustion cloud overshadowed my protected cerebral space.
On a positive note, I will commend WebMD for the well-researched palatable presentation of information. The specific detail included wasn’t necessarily anything that I hadn’t heard, or read, or…if I’m being honest, turned a blind eye to before.
To me, the impact was more in the presentation. It was ALL in one place and, as a self-identifying over-thinker I could relate to EVERY single item and it scared me.
From allergies to anemia to depression to diabetes to heart disease to cancer…THESE were ALL possible causes of exhaustion, and MORE….it was ALL there. My fear-loving inner-gremlin tapped me on the shoulder and asked, “Is THIS the beginning of the end?”
And I, took a deep breath…and replied. NO. Not today, gremlin.
THIS was the end of my birth month (April) and I was still celebrating ME. I may be tired but, the darkness was not allowed. I knew that the answers I needed were elsewhere…they were IN me. I just had to find my reset button (AGAIN)…my personal (inner) Google…if you will.
It was also extremely fitting that this feeling of mental and physical exhaustion erupted for me in and around Mental Health Week (held May 3-9 in Canada) as well as Mental Health Awareness Month (recognized throughout May in the US). There is such a strong connection between the two…and making connections and getting support is key.
So, I got to thinking, and pondered…what gives you energy? What makes you come ALIVE, and THRIVE?
The answer was quick. To me it was always about CONNECTION.
I am at my best and thriving when I feel connected. I feed off the energy, support and knowledge of others.
I am most inspired when I feel connected….although, with Covid, achieving true life-affirming human connection…as we all used to know it, has been…to say the least…challenging.
Would you agree?
So, I thought even further… I have been on this planet now for 50 YEARS (whoooooaaa!!! who knew?) and maybe, just maybe, rather than wallow in the mortality-laden thoughts of it all…I could (as I do) try to find the positive symbolism in this moment of time.
…and so, I created something I am calling MY 50.
In brief, the concept of MY 50 comes from my arguably inane need to celebrate milestone markers as well as my need for everything to JUST MAKE SENSE. At this point in my life I am more and more aware that what makes me who I am is who (and what) I choose to surround myself with. Somewhere many years ago, I heard the saying, “if you want to be better, surround yourself with people that are better than you,” …and it stuck.
Over the last six years I have traveled down quite the road of change, loss, fear, self-assessment and growth. In 2015 I hit what I see in hindsight as my “rock bottom”…financially, emotionally and physically. Without even realizing it I got to a place that I overworked my mental health so hard that I truly almost lost it all.
In this span of time I can’t tell you how many times I sat in front of one medical professional or another with stabbing chest pains OR radiating numbness OR debilitating muscle aches OR fluctuating vision challenges OR the complete inability to stop my guttural sobs…OR sometimes, all of the above.
Further, I can’t tell you how soul-suckingly deflating it was to continually hear from these medical professionals that what you’re experiencing is “all in your head”…and, even further I can’t tell you how I found the energy to keep getting up every day.
I CAN tell you that somehow I knew that I was still someone’s mother, and, I just did.
GET UP.
And here I am. Today. Two feet fully into my 50th year.
EEEEEEEP!
AND…hurrah!
I have not gotten here on my own. I could not. There are many many others that have made this moment possible. There are many many others who have had a huge impact on why I am standing.
Today.
So…in true Covid-inspired social-distancing style, I want to invite you to my (belated) party, my celebration of WHO has helped me be better in my world.
THIS is my 50. It is a list of 50 connections, and a virtual celebration of those that have made (or are helping to make) me BETTER, (whether they know it, or not). Pandemic schmandemic…who needs a blowout party right…?!?!?!
This is a celebration of THEM. And yes, there are 50…because you know, stopping at a “top 10” was impossible…for me. (I REALLY like words…)
You may not know of these people, but you will know of those in your circle who are like them and/or resonate with you. In some way they all have made an impact on me. I wanted to give a little background on ALL of them but, as I tried to finish writing this…my “passion for wordiness” became unmanageable….and this post was not ending.
So, I have divided it up. I will elaborate in sections…the first being the external connections. Where I can…I have also added public links to them and/or their work.
I have asked myself five questions to group them…and my hope is that possibly one of these connections could help and / or resonate with you, and your life.
- WHO teaches me… (and honestly, makes my brain hurt)
- WHO inspires me…(makes me want to keep going)
- WHO supports me…(and says, YOU got this)
- WHO challenges me…(calls me on my crap)
- WHO makes my heart sing (fills it up with pure joy…most of the time)
Is your brain spinning?
WHO checks off the boxes for you?
Who is your 50?
Can you stop at 50?
It really was hard for me to narrow it down…
So today, I will only elaborate on the connections under letter A…because really, this external reaching is often where the support starts. That was the case for me.
- WHO teaches me… (and honestly, makes my brain hurt)
This question was the one that was probably the easiest to answer due to the attachment to the external/public experts in their fields.
- Global Experts:
- Brene Brown: HIGHLY recommended resource. Back when my darkness was at its most intense, her research on the topics of shame, courage and vulnerability was eye-opening, life-affirming and life-changing for me. Truly. This is where I started. This was the first helping voice that I let in…and the impact continues to resonate. Today.
- Dr. Gabor Mate & Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk : BRILLIANT gurus in understanding the impact and roots of trauma. Their research is extremely detailed, profound and spot-on…although they truly make my brain hurt. I strongly recommend their books, and their teachings. They explained the physiology of the brain and trauma. They made it MAKE SENSE, and through this…they taught me that there is HOPE.
- Authors : (misc memoirs)
- I have read SO many memoirs that have ALL had an impact on me in some way or another. To a fault, I am someone who is fairly skilled at putting on the “I got this…I don’t need help” face, and, reading a story about someone else’s journey was a nice way to learn about myself, without feeling like someone was “teaching” me. Through their stories these powerful authors have all taught me that I am not alone…and, sometimes, knowing that you are not alone, is all a person needs. There are ones that come top of mind.
- The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls)
- A House in the Sky (Amanda Lindhout)
- Educated (Tara Westover)
- The Gift (Dr. Edith Eger)
- I encourage you to check them out, and find others that speak to you. I strongly believe that there is a story (or two) of survival within us all…and we can all learn from each other.
- Health & Wellness Experts:
- Naturopathic Doctors: As mentioned earlier in the post, I have faced varied struggles while trying to gain an understanding from the medical community of what is going on with my health. In 2018 I was fortunate to connect with a local Naturopath who finally got me…and, who opened up an understanding of where was at in relation to the mind-body connection to pain. I don’t see her anymore, but her diagnosis was a powerful step in my healing. If it is something you can afford, I highly recommend looking at the naturopathic option.
- Yoga: In 2015 I started practicing yoga on a regular basis, mostly because I couldn’t physically really do much else. Early on, I found that oddly, after every class, I would cry in my car for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes…and I had no idea why. I have since learned about the body’s ability to store trauma physically…and release it…and how yoga quietly (yet powerfully) helps in this process. My practice continues today at a studio in my community with their own amazing story dedicated to health and healing through movement (Sweet Serenity…see below). All I can say is whatever you can do, just move and stretch. Your BODY AND MIND will love you for it.
- Specialized Pain Clinic I was lucky enough to be referred to a local clinic called Changepain in 2019 and there is so much to say about their understanding of chronic pain, and the life-changing work that they do. My hope is that this format will be adopted by others in our medical system as the norm, and I am forever grateful for the ongoing forward-thinking work of their amazing team…in particular Dr. Lau + Dr. Perel-Winkler. THIS clinic is where the future lies. They totally get pain. TRULY. They embody the structure of a standard medical system clinic, but embrace a holistic/whole person support model.
And so…that’s it. So far. For part one, of five. (…just so you know, it is entirely possible that there may be more than 50. …but who’s counting?!?!?) (wink wink)
I encourage you, just for fun, to FIND your 50.
It is a FUN number. I mean, its colour is GOLD…the most timeless and treasured metal! …and, when you turn 50 you are officially part of the quinquagenarian (pronounced kwing-kwuh-juh-nair-ee-uhn) club…which honestly, is just a FUN word to say.
I also want to add that in no way am I suggesting that serious health issues like anemia, cancer and diabetes (etc…) should be overlooked as real and valid causes of extreme tiredness. I am only telling you how for me, I had done all of the medical tests (MRI, CT scan…bloodwork etc etc…) and the connection to the exhaustion was most strongly tied to the mental health triggers.
And also, for me, by working on my mental health (with the support of my network) I am in a much a better place. Usually…like today.
So, for now…I am avoiding Google’s medical advice…and will leave you with these poignant thoughts from American Scientist, Author and Entrepreneur Gary Marcus AND Author, Philosopher, Theologian, Educator, and Civil Rights Leader Howard Thurman. (it was SO hard to choose one…)
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will have truly defeated age.” – Gary Marcus
AND
“Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman
Please keep connecting, keep thriving…stay safe, and stay tuned for more insight into…
WHO inspires me…
WHO supports me…
WHO challenges me…
WHO makes my heart sing…
IT is life
IT changes…and that’s OK
IT is all OK
Credits, and Kudos!
WebMD
Brené Brown
Dr. Gabor Maté
Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk
Gary Marcus
Howard Thurman
The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls)
A House in the Sky (Amanda Lindhout)
Educated (Tara Westover)
The Gift (Dr. Edith Eger)
Changepain Clinic (Dr. Brenda Lau)
Changepain Clinic (Dr. Alex Perel-Winkler)
Sweet Serenity Yoga
Through stories and connections planITgirl’s goal is to help people who have been impacted by trauma to understand what trauma is, and how it may be impacting them…or someone they know.
The founder is a writer and speaker who strives to share her personal journey of living with trauma and PTSD in a forward-thinking, positive, professional and connective format.
If you feel (or care for someone who feels) lost, isolated, different, stuck and misunderstood, we hope the thoughts, stories and connections shared will resonate with you.